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Friday, August 29, 2003

i did this jealousy test..hey..it's kinda true for me..i scored 38 points..pretty bad eh? heehee..here's the analysis they did for me:

Most people experience a certain amount of fear that their loved one could leave them for someone else. After all, these things happen, and when they do, it is usually very painful. You fit right into this usual range - certain situations may spark feelings of jealousy, but generally you are not preoccupied with the fear of losing your partner. If you were honest with yourself while taking the test, this means that you are secure, strong, independent and rational enough to recognize the possibility of losing your partner to someone else, but not be consumed by it. That does not mean that you do not care; you would certainly be as sad or crushed as anybody else. However, you know that if it ever happens, you will survive with your self-esteem and dignity intact. You realize that even though you might love your partner very much, s/he is not the only fish in the sea, and that you would eventually find happiness with someone else. Such feelings give you a sense of security and the strength to trust, and allow you to be comfortable in the relationship. That, in turn, boosts the chances of a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

pretty true i think..anyway..yesterday was the day i and bennie broke up for 6 months..dunno how come the thought of him came into my mind again..and i started tearing..i know..i know..should forget him and all that..but the feeling just suddenly came back..and what's worst i was listening to S.H.E - Ji De Yao Wang Ji..which made my mood even worst..*sigh* i do miss him still...*slaps herself* i keep telling myself today " what the hell is wrong with you,eunice!!? u stupid girl..what are u doing?" blahh...yeah..i'm a stupid girl *grins*

anyway..hongling,meizi and i were deciding to go for a movie today during our break..and cos hongling and meizi dunno sam well..i didn't ask sam to come along with us..i sent him an sms saying that i won't be joining them during the break and was planning to go out straight after class...i didn't know sam's phone was spoilt..i was on my way to my car wheni received a call from an unknown number,picked it up and it was sam....he ask me where i was going..i say i'm going out with my friends..den keep asking me to wait without telling me why he want me to wait?..ok fine...he came after awhile and asked me to bring him out to buy cigarettes and then kept asking me if he can go...i was in a dilemma ok..i didn't know what to do..cos my friends dunno him and didn't wanna go out with him.they felt pretty awkward i guess...so they didn't answer him when he asked them.in the car..he was like quite pissed i think..we were at a round-about when there's this guy who was crossing the road..he asked me to knock him over in a very loud voice...pissed he is..i mean..u can't expect me to accompany you everyday right? i mean i got my own friends too!! den after that i asked him if he wanna go with us..den he say he dun wan in a pissed tone...i felt bad..but meizi say i can't be so soft-hearted..so i sent him back to school..blah..

didn't go for a movie in the end..decided to watch it another day..went shopping instead..saw this realli cute bag at target..it's like a bag u would take in summer..it's $19.95 and it's in blue and pink colour with flower prints around..was so attracted to it..but i didn't have enough capital to buy it and was afriad my mum would nag at me if i buy it..but it's so cute..i love those kind of bags..i can bring it wherever i wanna go and i can put so much stuff inside..damn..i feel like telling mum i want that bag..but she's definitely gonna say "no way" heehee!! gonna try to persuade her before the bags get sold out..hehehe! went for lunch at the foodcourt..thought of melisa again..how we went to foodcourt on the first day we met..and she was wrapping the present..and the sticky tape incident..oh my..i shall not repeat myself..*smile at melisa*

went back to school and called sam up and asked if he was angry..hmm..he did sound a little bit more relaxed..okie cool~ he asked me to go fishing tonight..with a whole bunch of people i dunno..why? cos there have more people than cars..they need my car to pick some people up..nice reason for asking me out..yeah..use me..blahblah..den jason asked me to ask iema along or else i will be boring there..what was that supposed to mean man? that u guys gonna leave me alone later like how u did the other time?? damn..blah..anyway..lucky i got iema later...it's her birthday next monday 1st September...sam and i are going to treat her a buffet meal at sizzler on sunday..*drools* lalala..stuff dieting...i'm cute this way..hahaha...chubby..hahaha..blah..nahh..diet? later la..no hurry..i dun need people to fall for me or judge me by my looks anyway...go to hell u shallow little people...love me for who i am or else fuck off..see ya friends..*smooches*

Eunice @ 5:25:00 AM

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Friday, August 22, 2003

=*= Giving up on my dream =*=

Going to Melbourne's Universities have always been my dream since a few years ago..it has always been my aim.i couldn't make it into any universities last year i was disappointed..but this year..my results are still quite stable..with 3 A's and 1 C which means that i can still stand a chance to fulfil my goal,going to Melbourne.However,it seems like i have to give up on my dream already.This is the story:

I thought mum's sickness was recovering good,i thought she seldom feels giddy anymore.but these few days,it's back.she's been feeling giddy everyday.how can i bear to leave her here all alone? among my siblings and i,i am the only one who can help out in the housework and all that,i am the only one who can cook when mum's not feeling well.my sister is only 13..still young she doesn't know how to take care of my mum either.my brother just does nothing and he's heading to Melbourne next year with his girlfriend as well.mum said she flew all the way from singapore to perth just to let us have a proper education,to create a chance for us to go to university, and now we all (bro & i) wanna fly away to melbourne.upon hearing this,i start to think thoroughly..indeed mum sacrificed a lot just for us to study.we had a lot of problems after we came to australia.First financially,our family was once considered rich.we could go on cruise in 3 consecutive weeks,could go on holidays to new zealand,gold coast,etc etc.we could buy whatever we want.but after we came to australia,dad's business closed down,mum ain't working in singapore anymore,there's no income coming into the family.dad and mum tried different kinds of business to earn some money but they all failed...in the end...we seem like we're in debt now.overheard mum and dad talking yesterday,there's this guy,Mr Wong who called up from singapore a couple of times to look for my dad.think he's the guy my parents borrowed money from.Mum said "it's not that i dun wan to pay him back the money,it's just the living expenses and all that..i can't cope either". i asked my mum "what's wrong?" and she said nothing.i know she doesn't want her children to stress over the adults' problems.i know she just wants to give her children a good life.i know about their problems but i just keep quiet.i know they are both hurting inside.

Second,emotionally.In the beginning of last year,mum and dad had some problems.mum suspected dad had a mistress.they quarrelled everytime dad make a phonecall to australia.there was once when she didn't even let my dad talk to me.dad came to visit us a few times but things didn't get better between them.banging of things around the house and quarreling noises could be heard everyday.mum had a super bad temper as well.to me, i thought i had a happy family,at first i couldn't cope emotionally too.i hated the way they were quarreling everyday,i hated the way things were innocently thrown or banged around the house.i just didn't wanna come home.anyway,there were a few times mum cried secretly,i knew but again i choose to keep quiet.Physically,mum's health deteriote..last year there was once when she fainted in three consecutive days..everyday i see her faint,the pain is so hard to bear..till now..i can still remember the image of her lying on the ground with her eyes closed,unconscious.i can still remember the first time she fainted,i was in the kitchen she was outside hanging the clothes when i heard her scream my name and followed by a big "thud".i went outside and i saw her lying down.the feeling is just so horrible.then,it came the time when her friend,Auntie Cindy,called up and told me mum called her the night before and cried.mum said she wanna die since living is so hard..mum even said if anything happen to her..send us all back to singapore to my father.i can still remember the words vividly.it was juz plain scary.that day was the first time i miss my mum so much.i couldn't wait till she gets home safely.i kept calling her to make sure she's fine.i just want my mum home as soon as possible..i wanna see her...

mum had been through a lot..she could jolly well stay in singapore and lead a better life than coming to perth to suffer..she did it all for us..to have a proper education and lead a good life in future.now that i say i wanna go to melbourne,how can i ever leave her here all alone? a thorough thinking really make my heart achs.another thing is that..since grandpa passed away in 2001, grandma has been living alone.i got an uncle and a auntie in singapore but my uncle is always overseas and he doesn't give a damn either..money faced dude.and my auntie..she has some problems as well.grandma has been suffering from depression since then..mum and uncle had been persuading her to come and live with us in australia...so she won't be that lonely.after two years,she finally agreed to come and live with us next year.mum said "grandma finally agree to come and then u all one by one fly off.." yeah..quite true..dad has some opinions about me going to melbourne as well.he said it doesn't matter where a person studies at,as long as he/she is willing to study and achieve good results.*sigh* i guess i'm giving up on my dream now..remain in perth and be a filial daughter...who knows one day in future i will be back to melboune university.sorry melisa,i guess i have to disappoint u..can't be your housemate next year in melbourne,can't be your smoking or chiongster partner anymore..sorry....*waves goodbye*

Eunice @ 11:51:00 PM

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Thursday, August 21, 2003

blah...whatever..fucked up life..fucked up mood...blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *slaps herself* someone punch me in the face pleaseeeeeee..

Eunice @ 5:34:00 AM

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Wednesday, August 20, 2003

=*= What The.... =*=

- something wrong with my nose..seems like it's dropping off...inner bone of my nose hurts *ouch*
- enrolled for T.E.E English *mumbles*
- lost my new ring from mum *grumbles*
- feel so useless *slaps herself*
- results dropping *punches herself*
- starting to doubt my ability to get into melbourne universities next year *frustration*
- blah
- blah
- blah
- whatever.. *pissed at herself*
- byebye

Eunice @ 6:24:00 AM

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Monday, August 18, 2003

hi..i'm currently in the school library..meant to go for my calculus lesson but i can't be bothered...too lazy and i was kinda late for my lesson too..came at around 11+ and saw matthew standing outside at the lawn..talked to him for awhile..he came out of class to have a cup of coffee..blahblahblah..nothing much..asked me why didn't i go for class? i said i was late and its embarrassing to walk into class with people eyes all looking at you..then he asked if i had fun at church..and he even said i am an "ah lian" go clubbing..blahblahblah..stupid guy.well well well,he's tiffany's ex-boyfriend and he knows sheila..what a small world..*grins*

went clubbing at "The Church" with the girls on saturday night..saw heaps of canning college people there too..reached there at around 10+,steph,doris,sheila and me wanted to go in and find a place to sit first...but that stupid bouncer just wouldn't let sheila in! duh..she had her student card and her birth certificate but the bouncer kept saying he can't let sheila in cos she doesn't have a passport or a driver's licence..*duh* so steph and i decided to go in first..oh yeah and we saw matthew at the entrance too! 11+ people started dancing at the dancefloor..matthew was in there dancing too.while i was dancing,he saw me and was cheering for me.*smiles* but seriously,i dunno how to describe the feeling that night..i was dancing all night long..i juz felt so good and stress-free..the first time i felt this way since my depression mood started about 3 weeks ago..steph and doris was like tipsy or drunk so they were sitting upstairs..sheila and i decided to leave them behind and go dance more..was dancing away when i saw nina,danielle & laura..asked them to join us..felt someone pushing me when i was dancing,turned to my side and was shocked to see my brother looking at me..*haha* he went with his girlfriend and other friends,i hope he didn't see me smoking or else i would be dead meat.didn't bother about him and resume dancing when more canning college people started appearing..lawrence,ted,linglong,sam,jason etc etc..it was cool..we were all dancing together..before that night,i seldom talk to them..in fact i dun talk to them..but that night at church certainly created some friendship bonds..cool..

realised on sunday night..that i was dancing so crazily at church on saturday.was a little bit scared to go to school the next day..cos i knew the others will definitely make fun of me..juz like on saturday night.*grins* well..i was right..was in calculus lesson yesterday when ted came in late to class..he looked at me and started shaking himself.."damn it" i thought..not only once..whenever i looked at him he would immediately start dancing..*clenches fists* heehee..juz now when lawrence and ted came to the library..both of them were like making fun of me again..ted hit my head and hid behind lawrence..i thought it was lawrence who did it..but realised it wasn't him..cos he had his both hands in his pocket..=D..

mum's back on sunday..received heaps of things from my auntie,mum & grandma..rings,bracelets,handbags,earrings,a cute toy from my cousin,marlon. it just feels so good when u get to receive new things..*rocks* watched the 2003 National Day Parade recorded by my cousin,Yvonne. been so long since i last watched NDP..it was nice i reckoned..touching when the healthcare workers walked out..felt so proud of them..how they help patients to fight with SARS,didn't thought the situation was so bad in singapore until i saw the shots they showed on the big screen televisions.nobody dared to come out of their homes,people all so scared..it's nice..singapore rocks..felt so proud being a singaporean. =D ...well..my mood...it's still in the depression mode..but it's getting better i think...anyway...today's post is a bit long isn't it? i still got more to write about but i lost my mood...i write another day...till then,i will be strong my dear friends...

Eunice @ 9:21:00 PM

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