Saturday, April 24, 2004
hello hello it's me again..haven't been blogging for quite a while..=P..partly cos i was addicted to gunbound the past week and this week is spent on studying and studying..catching up on the work i missed out..well..it's all not that bad...i been waking up at 9am the past few days and study till around 10pm at night..with intervals in between cos i have to cook lunch and dinner...after studying it's back to gunbound till 3 or 4am..lolz..i'm seriously turning into a panda..lol..i got eye bags now..i've caught up with the class in human biology..and i'm proceeding to my other units..blah..and not forgetting a project outline which is due on tuesday..grr...i'm feeling the stress building up on me..there will be like 2 mid semester tests during the first two weeks when school resumes as well...arghz..*pulls hair*..
i was talking to ernest yesterday on msn..ernest is an old friend/senior i knew back in high school days in singapore...we were talking and talking and i dunno how the topic of "who's really important in your life?" came in..it set me thinking...who are the really important people in my life...he told me since young he has always been on himself...he can count his friends with juz two hands...and he's not dependent on his family nor his friends..it doesn't matter if he lost so mani friends cos he's confident no matter where he go..he will make new ones..come to think of it...in fact the last trip i went back to singapore..i could sense that my friends...even those best friends have drifted apart from me..our topics dun seem to last long anymore...and we dun seem to have that much fun together..i could feel the sadness..cos they are the people i actually treasure a lot..we been friends for so many years and blahblahblah...and after since i came back to australia since february, it's been worst...don't even talk anymore...they either been busy..or spending time with their bf..am i sad? not really...i've learnt to be strong...and i wouldn't let this bring me down again...friends..they do come and go...i looked back on the last 18 years i've been living on earth...i realised that no matter where i go or how many schools i change, i'm never alone...i make friends..and i should be contented with that..for every friend i lose...i probably gain another few..juz have to look on the bright side if ur friends can't be bothered to stay in contact with u anymore...yes they may be there for u when u're down...lend u a shoulder to cry on...but sometimes we have to rely on ourselves as well...
how about love? love is a wonderful thing...an undescribable feeling when u're with the person..they make u feel so special and cared for...the feeling of loving someone and be loved in return is great..my boy, bryan..has played a very big part in my life the past few months we've been together..it's him who kept me going, supporting me when i'm feeling useless...he will reassure me...though we quarrel at times over stupid little things, i'm still thankful for the love he showers me everyday..he tolerates with my nonsense...giving in to me so many times recently...doting on me like when we first started...i dunno if i've been a good girlfriend to him...am i understanding enough? does he feel the love i have for him? does he feel secure? i know a long distance relationship is hard to maintain...i know he feels lonely and sad when he pass by places we used to go and things we used to do together...u can feel the heartache...but i'm really glad he's putting in an effort and trying his best to make this relationship last..thanks darling...as for me...i miss him a lot too..sometimes when i sit in my room watching tv, i would imagine him walking through that door holding a cup of iced milo he made for me...i can never stop thinking about him..everything i do...i will think of him...he's an important person in my life..i know that...i really hope this relationship can last...
family members? important? i guess so..especially my mum, sister and brother..as for my dad..i dunno what to say..it's been worst these few weeks..he's been getting very very lazy..and he decided that he doesn't wanna care about his children anymore. he even told my mum not to care so much about us..-.-" we've all grown up under the love and care of our parents..but after since he came to australia..he learnt from one of his friend that he doesn't have to care about us...that it's the australian way...then what kind of father are u then? blah...i think i shouldn't elaborate here...all i know that we've to stand by my mum's side now..treating her well..caring for her..accompany her wherever she wanna go and be a good daughter..my mum has done so much for us..she worked hard and i'm glad she's standing up again...she's strong and she's fighting back..i'm glad she made it in the top 30 agents last month after so many things that had happened in singapore side..words cannot describe how touched i am, or how much i love her..she has realli set a very very good example to us all...seeing her being so strong has make me feel that no matter what i go through in future..i have to be as strong as my mum..and also follow her example as a mum to my kids in future...my mum is like the most important person in my life...i'm so thankful my mum and i can talk about anything..she would talk to me when she's feeling down and frustrated..=) i love my mum..i love my sis too...she's really cute and someone i can always talk to and bitch to..my brother as well...coming to australia might be a wrong decision that mum had made a few years ago..but it has also bring us closer over this period of time..my sis, my bro and i dun talk much at all when we were in singapore...but now it's a different story...
okay...i keep typing on and on..and i dunno what's my point of saying all those above..LOL...well at least now i'm a much more bubbly,cheerful and strong person than before...and i will continue being this way and start to look on the bright side of life..i thank god for giving me such a good life..i find it actually very happening instead of saying it sucks..lolz..i think i'm going mad...and thank god for my family and loved one..ok i shall get back to studying now..lolz...
Eunice @ 1:06:00 AM
+♥♥♥+
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
my relationship is tumbling down...i'm scared...i dun understand why is he doing things he dun wanna do...i'm starting to feel so lost...why doesn't he trust me anymore? why is he doubting on the love i have for him? why can't we like before? why is out love tumbling down the hill? how can i show him i love him wholeheartedly? how can i make him feel secure again? how can i save this relationship? how can i show him that i treasure him so much? how can i make things the same again..? i really hate what is happening now..i realli hate crying instead of sleeping at night..why doesn't he know that? i realli do love him...i feel so lost...so scared...so sad...so confused...so miserable...i need someone to guide me...how can i bear to let go?...i juz need him to know and understand....
it all happened last night...it's my fault...i'm such a bitch...who doesn't consider his feelings...who would rather choose a friend over him...i'm such a bitch who is such a loser in relationships...i dun wanna let go...i want him...but things have become in a way that i dunno how to save the relationship...i wan him to treasure me...i want him to stop all these...i wan him to be his normal self....i wan him to be the sweet guy that i would go around telling people..and they would envy me...things have changed...and i dunno how to handle it anymore......who knows how i feel inside?...i love you dear...you know i do...and i also know u love me lots too...but..why muz we make things between us so difficult? someone please guide me...or lend me a shoulder to cry on...i dunno what to do anymore....is our love fading away day by day?...diminishing love?....what can i do?....i feel so detached...would i still be strong enough and put on a cheerful face in front of everyone when i'm feeling so miserable inside?? i love u...and i dun wish to end everything lidat...please go back to who u really are...i miss you....=~~
Eunice @ 7:17:00 AM
+♥♥♥+
Saturday, April 03, 2004
i've been discharged from hospital this morning...i requested it..partly cos i wanted to talk to my boy as soon as possible..i miss him a lot during the past 5 days i spend at the hospital.so they found out that not only my appendix is inflammed...everything on the right side of my body is inflammed..from my pelvis right up to my liver...they took my appendix out..and took my body fluid for testing..the results ain't back yet but it's known that my inflammed appendix wasn't the cause of the other organs being inflammed..something else is..but they have to check that out..they say my case is an unusual one..that they have never come across before...wow...anyway there is still pain in my belly button..the wound is still painful. i can't go back to school yet. i can't walk far..i can't sit down for long...i have to go lie down after blogging..
so has my day been great? at first it was...but it all turned sour. and everything has turn into a disaster. we quarrelled again. yes...4 days before our 4th month anniversary. and yes...on the day that i just got discharged from hospital. if i knew things would end up this way today, i swear i would have stayed longer at the hospital. i really hate it when we quarrel, especially over things that we ain't supposed to be quarrelling much about. i admit i was in the fault and so is he. his words stab into my heart like a sharp knife. i got so much to say but i guess i shall not blog it down. it's no use anymore. we're both starting to feel insecure...and i guess this is a start of the end of everything...will they still be together with a stronger love bond than before? or will their love become more and more frail and weak and they end up breaking up? i dunno myself either..i really am lost this time...and i dunno what to do anymore. i shall leave things as it is i guess...maybe he needs a break..maybe he's feeling stressed...maybe it's me...i dunno..he didn't reply my messages anymore..and he didn't answer my call...history has repeated itself for the third time..and i'm sick of it repeating and repeating...may fate bring us together again.....or may it break us apart....
i remember a few days ago..i can't stop talking about him in front of my mum and sis...i had blueberry cheesecake in hospital and i told my sis about us going starbucks when i was in singapore...two cups of iced blended mocha and a blueberry cheesecake together. my mum showed me a photo of a baby and she asked me to guess if it's a boy or a girl. she asked me if i have ever seen a boy with long eye-lashes and i said "bryan does!!" and how theresa used to ask him to give her some of his long eye-lashes..and how i used to say to him "i'm falling in love with ur eyes.."...blah..and it all ended like a piece of shit today...wow..how good...and i shall put a frown on my face for the rest of the day..and maybe i should just detached myself from the world...i think i'm just a failure girlfriend of his...who does not understand and does not know how to love him or do anything that can make him happy. i'm a failure girlfriend of his who does not know how to treat him good. i'm a failure girlfriend and he should just throw me away. he was right when he asked me to find someone else. maybe that's what he really wants...maybe he wanted me to go away...maybe he wanted to chase me away...maybe he dun love me anymore...maybe.....i dunno...i'm lost...god please help me...or just take me away if u want.....
Eunice @ 11:24:00 PM
+♥♥♥+
