Saturday, May 29, 2004
just got back from doris's house, dranks 5 bottles of alcohol..was a bit high but too bad not drunk.i could have stayed longer but i really didn't have the mood. so in the end, i slept and slept while they were watching movies. i felt like crying all the while i was there.i may be laughing like hell on the outside, but i feel really miserable inside. i thought even if i'm sad, i should laugh so that i won't bring everyone's mood down with me. before going to doris's place,i broke the news to deb and ivy and my eyes were filled with tears. i couldn't control my emotions. i wanted to be strong but they could see that i'm not okay. i can't act properly i guess. they borrowed the movie "love actually".it was my first movie i watched with him. i remember it was a friday in december, the 05.12.2003. 3 days before we got together officially, and it was also the day i gave him his first present from me, a lava lamp. everything i do seems to link to him somehow, watching "Love Storm" reminds me of him watching it when i was sleeping, drinking would remind me of how he used to sms bird to take care of me and dun let me drink too much, cooking would remind me of how we cooked together on our 1st month anniversary and how he whipped up a brunch for me on our 2nd month anniversary, presenting the first meal he ever cooked for me etc etc..everything new i find out i just feel like telling him, but i can't. he doesn't answer my calls anymore...he doesn't even wanna talk to me..no matter how many times i call him. can't he see i'm already desperate to get him? i seek the last resort today which is to call his home, but his mum say he was sleeping. i dunno why, but it sounds like he's asking her to tell me that he's sleeping. his mum sounded weird, and not that friendly to me. *sigh* why won't he give me a chance to explain things to him or talk things out with him? why can't i get a chance from him? why is it that i can give him so many chances, but i can't even get one? i want a chance...i want him to know how i really feel...i dun wanna lose him...pick up my call will you? please? what can i do so u would talk to me again...i can't help crying and crying..everyday i have to take a towel wrapped with ice to put on my eyes so that no one will know that i cried and can't see my puffy eyes. u say to me that everytime i cry, ur heart aches..so will u make me stop crying now? i better be off...head pain..nitez everyone and hope the girls are having fun..sorry i left early..
Eunice @ 1:42:00 PM
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Friday, May 28, 2004
went out with steph last night..and only got home at about 5am..thanks to her little pussy cat, mr paws that had cheered me up last night, not forgetting my dearest friend, steph. she decided to bring me out last night, cos i've been staying at home for too long, thinking i should need some fresh air and company with everything that was happening around me..thanks steph..*hugs* u're a great friend to have, always have been there when i'm down, lending me a listening ear and always giving advice to comfort me. truth is, without u today, i probably still dunno who to trust, who to turn to when i'm down, who to call when i suddenly wanna go out and smoke my troubles away. really a big thank you to you..
i sent a break up sms to him last night at around 3am...i knew he was asleep..and i knew he won't even reply me even if he's awake..but i hold on to that little piece of hope that i was having...thinking he would not let me leave him. i used to pull him back when he wants to go...this time, i was hoping he would pull me back instead...but he didn't...he let go of me...i came home..i couldn't control my emotions, i sent him a sms to call me asap...i couldn't sleep, i was waiting for his call...waiting and waiting...making sure the phone is in my hand so that even if i fall sleep, the vibration from the phone can be felt and the ringtone can be loud enough to wake me up to answer his call, to listen to him asking me not to leave...but there wasn't any call or anything, i woke up never feeling so sad and disappointed before, i knew then that i won't be having a good day today..and i was right, todae was spent crying and crying. i called him up, he answered but he didn't say what i wanna hear, in the end i cried even more..why did he sound so relax, like the break up sms doesn't even affect him? why did he say that all the while i'm making him give up on me? i dunno what have i done..i really dunno...i tried my best..but why is it that even with the both of us trying so hard, there seems to be a gap between us? what happen to us? why is our love so frail?..i remember he told me once that i'm the only person he is worth living for..without me, he would rather not have this life. listening to his voice today, so relax and calm. i knew then that he is able to handle it even if we break up. he sounded strong. i knew then that he won't be doing any foolish, that really made me very relieved. i admit i still love him a lot but due to the communication breakdown and we don't seem to get along with each other anymore...having quarrels every few days will only make the both of us tired and even more sad. i wish i could salvage this relationship..i was really looking forward to the 6th month anniversary coming up soon...but i guess that day would never come anymore. he knows i love him too but why must he say those things today? he made it seem like it's all my fault? don't u have faults too? u do things without considering about me and my thoughts and feelings. i know he loves me too but his way of loving is not the way a girl wants...u are in a relationship, anything u do u also have to spare a thought for your girl isn't it? u say u can tolerate my nonsense why can't i? but ur rubbish and mine are totally different! my rubbish is when i feel that the both of us are drifting apart, and wanting to talk things out with you so we can work this relationship out, but instead of reassuring me you can just go offline and disappear to the next day, leaving me in a lurch. that's your rubbish and i tolerated a lot of times. u ask me why can't i tolerate..but ask yourself. can u tolerate if i behave this way? ask yourself how much u have neglected me? ask yourself the way u treat me? why do u seem that u're not even affected..why do you seem like having me or not doesn't matter anymore. i can't imagine how my days will be without him...i can't imagine the person who came into my life and light up the darkness i've been living in is not gonna be mine anymore. i know i won't be able to find another person like him...he had played a really big role in my life and he is the one i've been staying strong for all this while. without him now, i have to learn to be independent, nobody to hug me the way he hugs me when i cry, nobody to wipe my tears the way he does, nobody will replace him in my heart. looks like i'm gonna be single for awhile...i won't forget him and it's gonna take quite some time to get over him..all i wanna hear from him now is just three words..."Please dun go.." and i'll stay...but i dun think he will say that to me anymore..since he can say that decision is up to me..which means even if i go or stay, it's the same to him...and the fact is, i really dun wanna lose him...
the girls organised a gathering session at doris's house tomorrow night, i'm gonna binge smoking and drinking..one day..just for one day, let me just smoke and drink my sadness away...how i hope he can appear right in front of me now...other people can make a long distance relationship work out..why can't we do it? i knew i wasn't ready to give u up, i knew i wasn't ready to lose you but i still sent that message, hoping you would ask me to stay...i've regretted...sorry for the heartbreak caused to the both of us..sigh...signing off now with sadness....bb
Eunice @ 11:29:00 AM
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Wednesday, May 26, 2004
i can't sleep...it's 4:55am...juz finished talking to zephyh,dennis and wilson..seems like everyone is having problems now..be it in relationships,family,friends etc etc..it's the "everyone-is-down" season..blah..i was really pissed he didn't call or sms me the whole day today..so i sms him "looks like u're having so much fun u forgot u got a girlfriend.." i noe..i noe i was harsh...but it's like i am really upset..and that upset turned into anger and disappointment...*sigh* if only he knows how i feel inside...there seems to be a wall between us now...i want to break that wall down but it's too hard to be broken down...and i'm tired of trying...sometimes i feel like giving up...but memories floats back and it changes my mind...but i noe one day if things still don't change, i will stop trying cos i will be too exhausted... signing off now... *sulks*
Eunice @ 1:56:00 PM
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Tuesday, May 25, 2004
i'm playing
gunbound while blogging now..so bored..since my delay is so long..-.-" dennis just left..so it's me,jerry,shaun and cutie..winning makes my day man! wOot! but i'm kinda getting sick of the game..but still i love it.
he decided to go chalet without telling me anything..for 4 days..oh wow..how wonderful...was so pissed..-.-" den he called last night and asked to speak to me..little miss pissed eunice replied a straight "NO" and
he put down the phone! -.-" never even made the effort of explaining..putting down the phone just like that...and never called again..looks like he's having so much fun that i dun even matter to him anymore...i'm soooooooooo not important to him..-.-" i'm pissed..i say i can't be bothered but i am bothered i guess..things just kept going through my mind..blah..went over to pass lynette her practical reports juz now..had a long talk with her..left her house around 10:30pm...came home and it's back to normal..in front of the computer again..i'm becoming a geek! eeks! and i think i'm starting to turn mouldy..anyway..was so bored yesterday..so i decided to change my blog layout..nice? so pink and cute..i luRvEeeee iT! sigh..why hasn't he called?..this relationship is seriously tumbling down hey...and i dunno how to salvage it..oh well..guess i better be off to bed..it's 4:30am...*sigh*
Eunice @ 11:18:00 AM
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Wednesday, May 19, 2004
woahhh!! blogger has a new layout..i mean..new interesting stuffs..wahaha..so cool..get to put in ur profile and photo..it's like friendster..asking about fav movies,music,books etc..so all i had to do was copy and paste..wahaha..anyway..i love it!! this layout looks so cool now!! good job blogger! =D
many things had happened since the last time i blogged..this week hasn't been a good week...i'm stressed..and i'm sad...i finally broke down that day on monday..after having a massive fight with my brother..as in a realli fight fight..i shan't elaborate what happened but i can mention..there was pushing...and slapping and shouting..and scolding..and definitely crying..from me...i went crazy..i cried like mad girl..i guess i couldn't stand the stress anymore...i pulled out my hair..yes..that's crazy..till now i still can't believe i did that..pulling out my own hair..sigh..thanks to steph who accompanied me for a few hours that day..though most of the time i'm just crying and crying...thanks to ur tissue paper too steph...=)
i'm too stressful with my studies..missing out on a month of school last term has really made a very big impact..i dunno the basics..i dunno how to start studying cos i dunno anything..exams are in a month's time and i still can't catch up..i feel useless and stupid when all my friends know what they are doing..and they seem to be doing so well..and yet i'm still stuck with the basics..even with 3 units now..i still can't cope no matter how hard i try...other personal problems has made me even more stressed..but after breaking down that day..i guess i feel much better...i decided to withdraw from the course Medical Science and do other courses...i like Medical Science but i know i won't be able to make it..doing food and nutrition science is my second preference but because it has human biology unit in it..i decided to give it up too...=\...in the end i'm still lost..i still dunno what course i wanna do..i actually had my mind set on "Tourism Management" but i dunno if it's good or not...=( blah..this is making me down...like i'm giving up my dream...sigh...i better be off now..get prepare to go to school to withdraw from the course..wish me good luck...
Eunice @ 8:24:00 PM
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Sunday, May 02, 2004
helloOooOoOoooo..ok i think i should juz slap myself across the face and wake myself up.."IT'S TIME TO BE SERIOUS AND STUDY EUNICE NG!!" yes yes i know..i know i shouldn't be wasting anymore time..but after what had happened...it really pull my confidence down by 90%...well..i went back to school on monday...thinking that i will be able to cope and catch up with the rest of my classmates..BUT who knows..i CAN'T!!
i spend my last holidays studying human biology..it's not funny...i pushed myself to like those sickening books that contains sickening things...i tot i caught up...so i went to the unit coordinator..told her i've been absent for the last few weeks of school last term...i showed her my medical certificates and asked if i can take the test i missed out last term..she looked at the mc(s) and told me..they look fake or vague..whatever...so:
bitch co-ordinator: the rest of the medical certificates are ok (4 of them) but this one (the one i got hospitalised) looks very vague/fake..
me: huh!? do u want me to show u the admission to hospital paper...(interrupted by her)...work?..
bitch co-ordinator: no i dun wanna see it...
so farking bitchy!! she was suspecting that i was like giving her fake certificates or what..what a bitch!! oh my god..anyway..she told me that i should withdraw from human biology and then take this unit again next semester..den take the next semester unit in year 2...so i tot..ok that makes sense..cos she say in this case i would be able to concentrate more on my other units...hmm.....the next day i went to see the receptionist at the medical science department and ask her...in the end..look at my face --> (._.)" ..l.. fark!!! what that coordinator told me were rubbish!!! she gave me all the wrong info..made me happy and then put me down again..POO! the receptionist told me..i can't do that..cos in that case i won't have enough credits to go to the next semester and i would be over-enrolled in year 2 which is what i CANNOT do..!! i was on the verge of crying..i felt so disappointed..the receptionist had to offer me tissues..she kept asking me not to be so upset...i'm still young..it's okay if i have to repeat another year...blahblahblah..i was very disappointed..it's like..i repeated before..and the feeling sucks.when i'm finished my year 12,all my frenz got into university except me...so i repeated and finally now when i got into university..when they finish their course next year..i will still be in year 1...i'll definitely be looked down...like a piece of crap..lagging by others by two fucking years..all because i was sick for a month!! arghz..if only i didn't fall sick..i wouldn't be going through all these now....i went to see the first year coordinator the next day..who is also my lecturer..he was a very nice guy..very friendly and also very motivating..i was feeling like shit that day before i went to see him..he advised me to split my units up into two years..and since my exams are coming up next month..i should just withdraw from those units i am struggling with and concentrate on my units that i'm confident to pass...do 3 units this year and 2 units next year and then get into 2nd year of uni the following year. as a coordinator he knows what he is saying to his students i guess...so i listened to him...he then told me that he's been through what i'm going through now..he knows how i feel and he knows i'm upset...he say that i might be thinking that if i didn't fall sick all these wouldn't be happening..i was like "wow..he can read my mind!!?!?!" haha..anyway..he say that if i wanna persist on doing all 5 units he dare to say that i will be struggling and things might not turn out well and i would be even more upset than i already am..and also human biology..i missed out on 8 chapters which will be taking up heaps of time to catch up...and i will then neglect the other units..if i fail any one units i will still have to repeat next year..so i decided to drop human biology and health science this semester cos they are the ones that will take up my time...so! i'm gonna STILL be a FIRST YEAR uni student next year..*sigh* why is my life so god damn complicated? (._.)"..l..
but not all things are bad...friendster made my day! =DD!! i received a message that day from serene chong..i was so and sooooooooooo damn happy to hear from her!! i've been looking around for her for months in friendster..even when i was back in singapore the last time...wherever i go..i hope i could see her!! she's a really good friend i met during secondary school in singapore..i mean i only knew her when i was in sec 1..she went to the same primary school but we haven't talk at all the whole 6 years..we immediately clicked in sec 1 and become good friends..had some really fun times as well..sec 2 we split classes..so we didn't really talk..and then i came to australia the next year..but when i went back to school one day when i was back on holiday..she saw me and ran out of her class when the teacher's teaching to and hug me..haha..she say she miss me! blahblahblah....lol..anyway.....i haven't talk to her for 3 years since then..but the friendship bond has never break at all all these years!! we still feel so close to each other! and so sad to know what she has been through the past few years when we lost contact..anyway..she's happy she found me..and i'm happy i found her back too!..lolz..i swear i won't lose contact with her anymore...haha..that's what she say also..lolz..we are now sending messages to each other in friendster everyday..doing a lot of catching up!!..ahh i miss that girl...at least now i know another person treasures me and cherish a friendship as much as i do.. =)
sorry steph..was meant to study with u in the afternoon but flew an aeroplane to u (fang fei ji)..lol..okie i better be off to prepare for school...4pm lesson! lalala..thanks to my lynette girl who help me buy my chemistry practical book...lalalala!!
Eunice @ 9:18:00 PM
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